this is pretty much just gonna be a journal.

if you're wondering what kind of things lead me to come up with my art and story ideas, you'll want to check this out.

discretion advised.

11/05/23
my parents are good people, they're just bad parents. they weren't ready to take care of a person. they wanted a roommate, not a kid. they think they're still 19 and young, rebellious, cool teenagers breaking scial boundaries, when in reality, theyre just two deeply neurotic adults unintentionally scarring someone with their sheer amount of mental disturbances. and they refuse to accept that. they're crazy. genuinely. i genuinely think that they aren't metally well enough to be living outside of in-patient mental facilities, let alone raising someone who ALSO has mental difficulties. they don't know what they're doing. i don't know what they're doing. i just know that they're well-meaning but severely disturbed people who need to seek some kind of professional intervention before something happens and one of us ends up dead.


11/01/23
yesterday was halloween. it was honestly really awesome. i did a duo costume with one of my friends, juno. we were coraline and wybie. afterwards, we messed around at a gas station. we got water, cokes, and i got a really cool playboy lighter. it didn't work that well at first but once i got it started, the flame was pretty good. we then met up with two of our other friends. we went around a bunch of different neighborhoods for around 3 hours. i know we're probably way too old for that, but it was still fun. there were also a bunch of half-smoked cigs on the sidewalks everywhere, so major score. i got a bunch of candy, even though i don't like it. when we got bored, we went back to juno's house and watched rocky horror with the two other friends. when we were done, i took the train back home. i tried to smoke with my nose but it didn't work and i ended up coughing out a lung on the train platform in the middle of the night. i sat next to some random drunk guy on the train home and we talked about music. i didn't have any water or perfume or anything, so i had to kind of just wash my hands with spit to get the smoke smell off before i got home. proably the best halloween i've had since 4th grade.


10/30/23
im not good enough for anyone. im too unstable. im too sad. im too self obsessed. i have too much baggage. im a fling. a summer camp romance. your first time. your gay awakening. the reason you realize you like guys. im a fucking experiment. ive literally almost exclusively dated closeted or questioning guys. you know why? becuase anyone who actually knows themself wouldnt choose me. im temporary. im a fucking phase. people cycle through me. people cycle through me, move on, and start having healthy stable relationships. but not me. im stuck. im stuck standing here and letting more and more people just pass through me. im not enough to be really truly loved. im just the guy you met in middle school who gives good blowjobs and will let you do whatever you want, and thats all i'll ever be.


10/21/23
i'm convinced my parents are only still together because one of them keeps threatening to kill herself.


10/19/23
there’s nothing about myself that i like. that’s not an exaggeration. i can’t find anything. im just average. im average at drawing. im average at school. im average looking on a good day. im average at playing music and im average at being funny. even my suffering is average. most people feel like this at some point, and knowing that kills me because being miserable was the one thing that i thought set me apart from most people. but no. im just self obsessed or something. i put myself through all of this just to be average. so much work at so many things, hoping that i would finally excel at something, and i just never did. this is starting to take up my entire life. i can’t go an hour without having a complete identity crisis because i don’t know who i am. im just stuck here with no purpose and no one to be. i can’t do this anymore. i cant fucking do this.


10/18/23
How the fuck did I lose him? He loved me. He really did. He was one of the only people I've ever dated who didn’t just want a friend that would blow them twice a month. He was nice to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder in public, talked to his friends about me, he fell asleep on me during movies and dnd. He leaned on my arm while I was drawing, and stayed in my cabin at camp for hours after the curfew after I had a really bad panic attack and threw up. He texted me every day. He saved every picture I sent him. Even after I cut my hair, he still liked me. He still liked me when my style and personality changed. He liked me when I was off my meds. He liked me when I was on my meds. He was so sweet. And then he just never texted me again. Out of nowhere. No warning, nothing I did. He was the only thing that made me happy. If anything, I just want to know what I did. Was I too clingy? Was I too obsessive? Did he die? Is it his fault? Is it mine? I wonder if I'll ever know.


10/13/23
i was just in 5 below. it was around 9pm and there was this mid-40s guy following me all around the store. he was literally inches behind me at all times, and followed me for around 30 minutes. i eventually got in line and he followed me into the line, even though he wasn't buying anything. i freaked out, bought my stuff, and ran out of the store. when i looked behind me, he was sprinting after me. i had to take the bus home becuase my mom didn't want to come pick me up, so i had to run to the bus stop while he was chasing me. the bus eventually got there just in time, but i'm pretty sure he folllowed the bus in his car. white subaru. he might know where i live now.


9/18/23
Something weird happened last night. I was cutting, as usual, in the upstairs bathroom at around 1am. I noticed that on my shoulder, one of the more recent marks was too wide. Not too deep or too long, just too wide. It was a thick one. Very thick. I felt like I was going to either vomit or pass out. I gagged a little, and then realized that I was actually probably gonna faint. I sat on the floor of the bathroom. I don’t remember anything that happened in that time frame. I don't know how long I was sitting there. Probably around 30 or 40 minutes. When I felt that I could stand up again, I looked in the mirror and immediately had to look away. I looked like shit. I was pale as fuck, and i had never understood the term “cold sweat” until that moment. I scare myself sometimes.


9/04/23
I’m terrified of sex. it’s something i’d want to do, as i’ve only ever gone to third-and-a-half base with people who i actually wanted to do that with, but it’s so scary. I was a fucking kid the first time. I was a fucking kid and it hurt so bad and i didn’t want to and it bled so much. I’m fucked up forever because of him. I’m ruined. I’m gross and dirty and nobody could ever actually want me for anything meaningful.


8/28/23
i'm at a 3-week sleepaway camp. i go back home in 4 days. i have a boyfriend. his name is dee. i've gotten so attached to him that i have panic attacks if i don't see him for too long. i get clingy. unhealthily so. It scares people off. it’s weird and obsessive and i can't stand it. I feel like he's trying to distance himself from me, and i don't know why. maybe he’s caught on to my obsession. i'm really only with him because i want to BE him. he's everything i want to be and everything i thought i was. he's just a better version of me. and i can't take it.